WARNING: This post is quite graphic and is probably too much information for many.
While going through the beginning stages of my miscarriages, I found myself constantly searching the internet. What I found the most comforting was reading about the experiences of other women going through the same thing. So this post is for those women out there searching for camaraderie during a very trying time.
The first time I was pregnant, I knew that something was wrong when we went to the clinic to get the first ultrasound at 7 weeks… there wasn’t a heart beat. But since we weren’t trying to get pregnant, there was a slight possibility that we were off on the dates. So we made an appointment for the next week. Two days later I started to bleed.
My friend was over and when I came back down from the bathroom, she could tell by the look on my face what was happening. I remember sitting curled up on my front porch during the beginning phase (a little bit of cramping, a bit of blood). I was sooo sad. Luckily, I was distracted from my thoughts since my friend was there (our dogs were having a play date).
But later that night, the cramping got worse and the bleeding got worse. Eventually a large clump passed. I looked in the toilet… it just looked like a large clump of tissue.
In total, I bled for about 4 days – slight bleeding 1 day before, 1 day of period bleeding, 1 night of heavy bleeding, 1 day of light bleeding, 1 day like the end of your period.
Now for the emotional stuff… With each cramp came the nagging feeling that I was never going to be able to have a child. There was a point where I was doubled over in pain. The physical pain paled to the emotional pain. I felt like a failure, I felt like I let my husband down… I felt like a bad mom. How come I couldn’t help this unborn child find its way into this world?
After the tissue passed, I felt a little better because it was obvious that it wasn’t ever going to be a child. I remember feeling a bit amazed at how our bodies know how to handle a miscarriage. My body knew that it wasn’t a viable pregnancy and continued on with the process of removing the tissue.
I didn’t really have too much time to mourn or think about it. We were engaged when I found out I was pregnant. Once we found out, we decided to move our wedding date to just a few months away (so I wouldn’t be too big on my wedding day). So after the miscarriage, I got to dive in to wedding planning.
We had such a fun wedding. It was such a beautiful day. And truth be told, I was happy I wasn’t pregnant. I got to enjoy the day, drink champagne and not worry about anything.
I wrote about most of the details leading up to the miscarriage in previous posts. The actual miscarriage was definitely worse than the first one.
Since I was farther along, it really was like giving birth to a very small baby. I know any doctors reading this will cringe at what I’m about to write, but I had my miscarriage at home. I was 12½ weeks, although my guess is that the fetus died about a week prior. I knew what the warning signs were in case something was going wrong, so I chose to do it at home.
About an hour after I wrote It appears a miscarriage is imminent I had the miscarriage. The cramping got worse and I knew it was time. Luckily, my husband was home from work and could play with Milan. I sat in the bathroom for about half an hour. Then I had the feeling like I needed to push and after a couple of pushes, the fetus came out. Yes, in the toilet. Last time, I never even questioned it. But it was different this time. I felt like it was a baby. Right after the fetus passed, the placenta came out.
I stared at the toilet for a little while and said good bye. I began to feel at peace. I went out into the living room and asked my husband if he wanted to say good bye. To my surprise, he did.
So we stood over the toilet, as a family (Milan was with us) and said good-bye. We live near the ocean (not that near, but near enough) so the sewer drains into the ocean. So we were able to give the fetus a burial at sea. Afterwards, my husband thanked me for asking him to go to say good bye. He needed closure, too.
The most surprising thing about the whole experience was how relieved I felt the next morning. When I woke up and sat down at the dining room table (my husband was already making coffee in the kitchen – he’s a good husband), my husband asked me how I was feeling. I really only felt relief. Not sadness, no pain.
8/1/11 UPDATE: I never published this post, but I think its important in case anyone comes across this blog while they are going through or just went through a miscarriage. I published it for an earlier date.
Since I wrote this, I definitely had days of feeling sad. Especially because many of my friends were pregnant, too. Whenever someone would mention September, I’d get sad… knowing that there wasn’t going to be a new baby in the house when there was “supposed” to be one.