My grandpa passed away

I got the call last night that my grandpa passed away. Both my aunt and my uncle were able to be there with him, along with his wife. I’m glad he was surrounded by people that loved him when he passed on.

On a brighter note, my other grandpa’s dr. appointment with the oncologist went pretty well today. He has to go for a test sometime soon to see if he’ll be able to make it through a surgery. If he can’t, the good news is that thyroid cancer is a slow growing cancer and he’ll still have a long time to live with it.

But I’m still reeling from the loss of my grandpa. I’m feeling so guilty right now. I can’t help but recount all the times that I didn’t call him or didn’t write him. Its such a simple thing to do but yet I didn’t. I hope that my grandpa knew how much I loved him, just like I knew how much he loved me.

I’m definitely in the “anger” stage of grief. I keep finding myself thinking selfish, unkind, unwarranted thoughts whenever I see one of my cousins posting “their” loss on Facebook. I keep thinking “they didn’t love grandpa as much as I did,” “they barely even talked to him, why would they be grieving,” etc. Of course, immediately after the thought, I feel guilty for even having it. I couldn’t understand why all the loving thoughts of my grandpa were annoying me, but then I remembered that this stage is a natural part of grieving.

I experienced a CRAZY anger stage when I found out how bad my grandma’s dementia had gotten (totally flipped out on someone that slighted me). That was the beginning of my mourning for my grandma. I don’t really know when I finally stopped the anger stage when my mom died.  I kept bouncing around from denial, anger, bargaining and depression for many years. At least I now have experience in dealing with grief, so I’m guessing it won’t be so bad this time around.

Although, I don’t think you ever truly get over the loss of someone that was close to you. I know I’m not “over” losing my mom, I just have learned how to live with not having her in my life. I’m not “over” losing my grandma either.. just have gotten better about not breaking down whenever I think about her. I know that I am already closer to accepting that my grandpa is gone. In fact, I think because of my past experiences I’ve already gone through that stage, I just have the other ones to work through.

P.S. If any of my cousins are reading this, please know that I love you… I just wanted to share my feelings here in case someone else that stumbles upon this post has similar feelings. Its really comforting to know that you aren’t alone when you’re feeling down.

Posted in Personal

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