Mother’s Day is bittersweet

Before you have kids, everyone that has kids tells you how amazing it is to have kids. Of course, there is no way one can understand how incredibly true this is. I love my kids so much sometimes it scares me.

So one would think that Mother’s Day would be full of joy and bliss, but for me (and I’m sure for many others out there) it isn’t. I miss my mom so terribly much ESPECIALLY on Mother’s Day!

I remember as a child sitting in a diner with my mom, grandma and my aunt on Mother’s Day! I looked around at these beautiful women and their smiling faces and I started planning the day I would get to take them out on Mother’s Day. I would pick each one of them up in my car. As I walked up to the door, I’d have a bunch of flowers hidden behind my back and when they opened it, I’d get to see the look of delight on their faces. Then we’d go to whatever place we wanted to eat at and I would get to pick up the bill and treat them to brunch. And to top it off, I’d have my own little girl to enjoy this moment with, too!

But life had other plans for me.

I never once got to treat my mom to a Mother’s Day brunch before she died. I did get to spend a few Mother’s Days with my grandma before she died, but they weren’t the idyllic moments in time as most of them happened when I was going through my tumultuous years and had a hard time appreciating those moments. I haven’t gotten to treat my aunt because she (as she should) spends Mother’s Day with her kids.

After I lost both my mom and grandma, I still kept a dream of spending Mother’s Day with my daughter. But that didn’t happen either. Don’t get me wrong, I really, really LOVE my boys and can’t imagine my life without them. I just still sometimes miss the daughter I never had and the memories I never got to have in order to make up for the moments I lost with my mom.

So as I see these sweet posts on Facebook of my friends and loved ones with their kids and all of the smiling faces, I’m utterly reminded of how much I miss my mom. The good thing is, I get to look at my cute little boys and see the silly little things they do and for those wonderful moments, I see my mom in their faces!

Posted in Personal

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