Went to the nuchal screening ultrasound and the Dr. told us the baby seems to be really healthy… Yeah! I am truly happy for that because I cannot imagine what we would do if that weren’t the case. Then he asked if we wanted to know the gender. Since my husband wasn’t there, he put it on a note card, folded it up and I took it to Eli at lunch… The card read 90% – Boy!
First thought, yeah Milan is going to have so much fun having a brother. Thoughts 2, 3 and on have not been as wonderful.
When I was a little girl, I was VERY close to my grandma (as well as my mom). When I was about 9 or 10, my grandma told me that she always had wanted one of her grandchildren to be named after her. I of course told her that I would name my daughter after her. So for almost 30 years, I have always assumed that I would have a girl and her name would be Rosemary. In fact, when my husband and I were just barely dating and we were talking about whether or not we wanted kids, I told him that my daughter was going to be named Rosemary. In my mind, I was prepared to say goodbye to this wonderful man if he wasn’t on board with the idea. It really was a deal breaker. Luckily, my husband loved the name. And its actually a triple whammy name, because his grandma’s name is Mary and my mom’s name was Mary. It really is the perfect name for us to give for a little girl.
So now today that I found out we’re having another boy, I feel like I let my grandma down. She died a few years back and I always felt like this was going to be my last gift to her. And now I’m not going to be able to. As I sit her and type up this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
I’m so conflicted. I KNOW that I will love this baby tremendously. And its not really that I’m sad we’re having another boy, its just that we’re not going to have any more kids. So my dream of having a little girl has just ended. I feel so guilty for not feeling happy right now, especially because I know how sad I was during the last miscarriage.
You might be thinking I’m being selfish, but the way I’m feeling is akin to someone having their career dream cut short (like a baseball pitcher blowing his arm out or a dancer ruining their knee). I never really thought about much in life except being a mom. And that dream ALWAYS included a girl.
So today I say goodby to pigtails, little dresses and baby dolls. No girl talk as we get ready to go out, no days of shopping at the mall. No more getting to teach how to put on makeup, use a curling iron or blow dryer. No talks about first kisses or what is or is not acceptable on a first date. And the other myriad of life experiences I had always expected to share with a daughter.
I’m sure tomorrow I’ll be fine, but today I say goodby to my dream.